‘The Onion’ Accidentally Sent Our Sex Columnist To Interview The Pope

The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming?

Pope Francis: Can we please stick to the topic of religion and the papacy?

The Onion: What was your earliest sexual memory?

Pope Francis: [Makes sign of the cross]

The Onion: Will the Catholic Church ever change its stance on banana-flavored condoms?

Pope Francis: I’m going to give you five seconds to leave.

The Onion: What if we just stick to questions about like, piss play? Is that sacrilege?

Pope Francis: Piss what?

The Onion: Where do you fall on bestiality and consent between animals?

Pope Francis: [Whispering to translator] I thought you said they wrote for Catholic Digest Magazine?

The Onion: Does God endorse Furries since he created animals and people on the same day?

Pope Francis: You traveled all the way to The Vatican to ask me that?

The Onion: An anonymous Onion reader asks: My girlfriend recently asked if we could have an open relationship, but I’m nervous about expanding my horizons, especially with men. Do you have any advice for a so-called “threesome virgin?”

Pope Francis: Pater Nostro, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur noem tuum. Advenlat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntus tua, silcut in caelo et in terro.

The Onion: What’s the Catholic Church’s official policy on pegging?

Pope Francis: [Inaudible praying over rosary beads]

The Onion: Do you have a bathroom we could use?

Pope Francis: I am begging you to leave.

The Onion: Okay, we’re not really getting anywhere. How about this: Do you ever find yourself getting aroused in the confessional booth? I mean, you hear a sultry or smoky voice, and yet you can’t see them. That sounds pretty erotic, no?

Pope Francis: This is absolutely not an appropriate question. A congregant’s time in the confessional is a moment of connection between them and he Lord Our God, for which the priest is merely a conduit.

The Onion: Follow-up question: do you think God gets aroused?

Pope Francis: Merciful Lord, give me strength.

The Onion: Okay, time for rapid fire! You have 10 seconds to answer the following: Dom or sub?

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: Missionary or doggy style?

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: Turn on or turn off: uncircumcised penis.

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: What is your stance on ass play?

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: Professional or amateur porn?

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: That’s a tough one. There’s really good amateur nowadays.

The Onion: Pick one you could never live without: dildo, vibrator, or butt plug.

Pope Francis: [Silence]

The Onion: Okay. I’m just going to say butt plug.

The Onion: Turn on or turn off: full bush?

Pope Francis: [Long silence] God help us all.

The Onion: Top or Bottom?

Pope Francis: [Rolls eyes.] I suppose being on top puts me closer to God.

The Onion: Have you heard of the Mormon practice of “soaking?” It’s where you can stick your penis in a vagina but if you don’t move around, it technically doesn’t qualify as sex.

Pope Francis: Listen, I—wait, really? That’s…I mean, come on. That’s obviously still sex. The P is inside the V! You can’t just pretend that’s not what is happening. Good Lord, I mean, jeez. Those people are nuts.

The Onion: Care to get real about pre-cum for a moment?

Pope Francis: Disgusting! These anti-Catholic attacks from The Onion will not be tolerated! Bet you wouldn’t try this with Islam.

The Onion: Many have said that you are the most progressive pope of all time. What do you think of—

Pope Francis: Please do not ask me about pegging again.

The Onion: Speaking from your own experience, do you have any advice for incels?

Pope Francis: Not really. I am celibate by choice. If I weren’t a man of the cloth, I’d be knee deep in pussy.

The Onion: You pledged to end sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. How’s that going so far?

Pope Francis: Let’s stick to questions about rimming, please.

The Onion: Who is your number-one hall pass celeb?

Pope Francis: Gotta be St. Amalberga. A 7th-century Belgian girl who was a miracle worker and died at the age of 31. How do you do better than that?

The Onion: What are some things that turn you on?

Pope Francis: Smiles. Kindness. Big naturals.

The Onion: Marry, fuck, kill the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit?

Pope Francis: Fuck the Spirit for sure, marry God, and kill Jesus.