WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by massive corporations. It is in that grand tradition that The Onion is proudly announcing our new nationwide literacy program encouraging pre-K and grade-school children to read The Onion for an hour a day. Studies by the Zwiebel Institute for Underhuman Enrichment have shown that just one hour a day of reading The Onion is directly correlated with higher lifetime earnings, admission in Ivy League colleges, higher testosterone levels, and a 40% growth in the critical “perceptiveness” and “dominion” sections of the brain. Doctors observing Onion readers over a 20-year period also discovered a 75% decrease in heart disease and a 350% surge in the number of sexual partners. The Onion believes no child should be denied such a happy and healthy future. Even if children are not yet capable of reading, simply starting for one hour at The Onion’s award-purchasing photography and elegantly designed homepage should advance them several grades ahead of their less-informed classmates. Kids can also share in the joy of human social interaction by reading their favorite Onion articles aloud to their classmates or holding a discussion about how much The Onion has affected their lives and improved the world. The future is now—we owe it to our children and their children after them to build a world where The Onion is read and understood by every man, woman, and child. So please, do your part, and help bring this literacy program to your school, megachurch, or doomsday bunker today.
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