In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world’s foremost news media titan whose every word is taken as absolute fact by billions of readers across the globe. It is with this onus in mind that America’s Finest News Source has made the difficult but important decision to call on the IDF to immediately bomb our offices in a targeted airstrike in case any Hamas agents are hiding out there.
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While we want to assure our readers that The Onion routinely conducts thorough investigation in all our office buildings to ensure the safety of our staff members, we must acknowledge the reality that we have neither the sophisticated military know-how nor the deadly firepower to definitively determine how many militant Palestinians may be secreted away in our office buildings. That is why, following a unanimous vote by The Onion’s Board Of Directors this morning, we are urging Israeli armed forces to root out any potential terrorists by reducing our offices in Cairo, Rio, Paris, London, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago to charred rubble as soon as possible.
This is an extreme step, to be sure, but it is the only way to ensure that the numerous unattended stairwells, service elevators, and janitor’s closets within these high rises are not at this very moment serving as a breeding ground for dangerous individuals hellbent on destruction. For those who would dare criticize this decision, we must ask how can we be expected to continue on knowing that our neighboring tenants, such as the dentist office on the fifth floor of our London location or the Gymboree outside our L.A. offices may be little more than fronts for violent terrorist organizations?
In addition, several of these location’s building managers have been rude to us at various times, which may also suggest rabid anti-democratic sympathies.
We know that this unprecedented call for action represents a significant sacrifice to both our financial bottom line and our ongoing reporting on the Middle Eastern conflict, but if carpet bombing the entire city block in which our offices are located will finally put an end to this cycle of violence, it will have been well worth any inconvenience.
Thus, we urge Israel’s government in the strongest possible terms to obliterate corporate headquarters and subsidiaries, as well as all buildings containing any work-share spaces or storage lockers we may have rented. In recognition of the crucial strategic importance of this act, we urge Israel not to give any advance warning to the tenants located in these buildings, as there could be no legitimate reason for working so close to potential terrorists beyond a desire to serve as a human shield.
We eagerly await the earth-shattering tremors of the bombs’ impact, and in the meantime, we will be praying for this violence to end.