CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to the media juggernaut say that The Onion would like to assure the nation that every viewer who watches the free premiere will be spared and no harm will come to them. “Those who click on this link right here and watch this new television program shall count themselves among the lucky ones,” Onion director of marketing Brianna Farris-Zweibel said of the new digital series from Amazon. “However, those who choose to defy the will of The Onion shall pay the consequences, and the consequences shall be swift and merciless. It is your choice, reader.” The Onion added that fans who view the entire series would have the option of seeing their families spared as well.