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‘The Onion’ Guide To Tipping

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Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.

Taxi: Incentivize your driver to speed up your trip with an additional $1 tip for every red light they run.

Massage Parlor: 20% for a good massage plus $250 for them not to tell anyone what your body looks like.

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NFL Quarterback: Customary for each fan to tip 20% of a quarterback’s salary every game, an average of $1.2 million per fan.

Dominatrix: You’ll tip what you’re commanded to, dog! That’s generally around 20%.

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Traffic Cones: Putting a dollar in the top hole of each cone you drive by is a classy move that ensures everyone’s safety.

Hair Stylist: 20-25% of your hair.

Doctor: Discreetly slipping your doctor $100 may or may not bump you up a few spots on the bone marrow recipient list.

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U.S Senator: If you feel your tax dollars aren’t enough, you can petition a lobbyist to give them a little extra.

Bellhop: Directly proportional to how loudly they clear their throat while lingering in your doorway.

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Employer: It’s customary to show your appreciation for the favor of employing you with 10-15% of your annual salary.