Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
Taxi: Incentivize your driver to speed up your trip with an additional $1 tip for every red light they run.
Massage Parlor: 20% for a good massage plus $250 for them not to tell anyone what your body looks like.
NFL Quarterback: Customary for each fan to tip 20% of a quarterback’s salary every game, an average of $1.2 million per fan.
Dominatrix: You’ll tip what you’re commanded to, dog! That’s generally around 20%.
Traffic Cones: Putting a dollar in the top hole of each cone you drive by is a classy move that ensures everyone’s safety.
Hair Stylist: 20-25% of your hair.
Doctor: Discreetly slipping your doctor $100 may or may not bump you up a few spots on the bone marrow recipient list.
U.S Senator: If you feel your tax dollars aren’t enough, you can petition a lobbyist to give them a little extra.
Bellhop: Directly proportional to how loudly they clear their throat while lingering in your doorway.
Employer: It’s customary to show your appreciation for the favor of employing you with 10-15% of your annual salary.