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‘The Onion’ Has Accidentally Locked Ourselves Out Of Our Office In Solidarity With Striking ‘New York Times’ Workers

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Today, reporters and editors of The New York Times began a one-day strike, as negotiations between their union and management failed to reach an agreement. Here at America’s Finest News Source, we are committed to supporting our fellow journalists, and so The Onion has boldly and inadvertently locked ourselves out of our offices in solidarity with New York Times newsroom employees.

As denizens of the Fourth Estate, we understand the grueling and brave work involved in ensuring ethical reportage, and for this reason, we at The Onion have come together, unintentionally leaving our keys in the office last night and frustratedly calling our building manager, who does not seem to be answering at this time. We understand it is our duty to refuse to cross the picket line as we order Starbucks and use their free Wi-Fi to google locksmiths in the area.

Employees of The New York Times deserve the fair wages, health benefits, and retirement plans that their union is bargaining for, and amidst this deadlock, we have elected to discuss weekend plans and resist doing today’s Wordle for as long as possible before giving in because we get too bored waiting for someone to let us into the building.

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Since their contract with then union expired in 2021, the New York Times’ management has bargained in bad faith, a disgusting display of greed and disrespect for the noble journalists who work themselves to the bone to provide the lifeblood of the illustrious publication. Now more than ever, we must support these journalists by wondering if the back door of our office may be unlocked, but being too lazy to check because it would involve going all the way upstairs when we’re already waiting down here. We call upon fellow publications and our readership to follow our bold example by joining us in being temporarily locked out of our office, and display unanimity as we have by giving up on being let into the building and deciding to work from home for the rest of the day.