‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakery

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Hires Several Pastry Chefs Away From Entenmann’s To Form New Bakeryem/em

CHICAGO, IL—Confirming an exciting new foray into non-traditional revenue streams, The Onion announced Thursday that it has hired several industry-leading chefs away from pastry giant Entenmann’s in order to form their own mass-retail bakery. “We’re eager to announce that we’ve taken on the talents of Entenmann’s esteemed baker-in-chief, an executive kitchen manager, and several of their younger pastry chefs. We’re optimistic that their experience in the production of individually-packaged pies, coffee cakes, and doughnuts will help launch the company toward our mission to disrupt the commercial baking industry,” The Onion said in a press release this morning in which the news outlet revealed they attempted to buy Entenmann’s three years ago, but ultimately declined out of disinterest in several of the company’s muffin offerings. “It’s fairly obvious that bakery is the next frontier after domination of online news and tailored social media content. Frankly, we don’t know how anyone’s not seeing this.” Outside sources are speculating that the Onion has announced their bakery’s new name following a cryptic, context-free tweet this afternoon that simply read, “Crust!”


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