‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus

Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings, fundraisers, and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected. The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to coronavirus.

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Donald Trump Jr.: His propensity to be spit on by his father places him at increased risk of transmission.

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Stephen Miller: Exposure unlikely since the entire White House staff has maintained at least six feet of distance from him since Trump’s inauguration.

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Barack Obama: May have been exposed while listening in on Trump’s conversations behind a curtain in the Oval Office.

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Kimberly Guilfoyle: High likelihood she contracted the virus after stripping nude and forcing Jared Kushner to massage her feet.

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Robert O’Brien: Reports suggest the National Security Advisor repeatedly ignored credible threats that the coronavirus was planning an attack on the United States.

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Michael Vegas: Having no contact with Trump, Hope Hicks, or any of the White House staff, pornographic actor Michael Vegas is likely safe from the outbreak for now.

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Jared Kushner: Trump’s loyal advisor has fallen in line by licking all the Oval Office surfaces in an attempt to contract the virus.

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White House Press Corps: Journalists may have been exposed to Covid-19 through the virus-tainted air pumped daily into the press briefing room.

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Ivanka Trump: Just think, who has the most to gain from the death of the Trump patriarch? Who’s next in line for the throne? Not making any accusations, but just saying it’s worth thinking about, you know?

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Mark Meadows: Trump’s chief of staff has approximately 0% chance of contracting the virus as it does not exist and poses no threat to the American people.

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