The Onion is graciously saving the entire world’s economy by giving away $8.3 trillion in NFTs. Get these jpegs while you can, because these one-of-kind cryptographic assets are the most valuable digital items ever known.
Bound Man (NOT SEXUAL)
This rare NFT is a work of ART. It is NOT a SEX THING.
Caution: You’re going to be filthy stinking rich!
This E alone has been valued by an appraiser at more than $2.7 trillion.
You are currently standing at the nexus of technology and art.
That’s right. We made him an NFT. He’s in the Bahamas. What’s he going to do about it?
Celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Ashton Kutcher have all purchased custom variations on Mother Ape.
Man Eating Soup
Go ahead, you fucking loner freak. Take this picture of the soup man. Take it. Take it now.
The Mona Lisa
I mean, it’s in the public domain, so why not?
If you want to be up on the latest Gen-Z trends, you shouldn’t miss out on purchasing this leaf ball NFT and impressing every teen you know!
This NFT used to belong to our girlfriend. We hoped she might come back for it one day, but it’s been 10 months. God, we can’t look at it anymore, it hurts. Please, just take it. Take it!
You could haul 7,000 to 8,000 digital king crabs on this, easy, and probably double the value.
This is the one NFT that can never be bought. The one NFT you have to find within yourself so that you can give it to others and receive it in return. $7,000,000,000.
Not worth a lot right now, but in a decade or so you’ll be able to cash him in for $999.
Check out this priceless image of iconic DJ, party promoter, and self-described armpit fetishist Lieutenant Dubstep.
There is a killer on this NFT. But who? The heiress? The professor? The ticket-taker? Or perhaps even the conductor himself…
Wake up, it’s time to buy a tropical island, because this custom NFT is worth a cool $50 billion.
Roy M. Cohn NFT
The famed prosecutor who assisted Joseph McCarthy in his prosecution of alleged communists and was a closeted gay man is now available in NFT form.
Freshly tousled and minted with love.
$7.8 million for this sleek, sophisticated masterpiece.
The Man Who Lives In The Walls
You know him! You love him! He lives in the walls and moans at night!
Fuck, where is it? Who took it? We paid like $400,000 for this! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
You didn’t hear it from us, but this NFT may or may not have the serial number scratched off, so someone could use it to kill other NFTs without it being traced back to them.
Sculpted out of 100% pixel-fed digital beef.
Ever since your son Colton has been digitized and trapped within this NFT, his value has skyrocketed.
No one knows what this uncanny box is, which is why the NFT capturing its rarified visage is worth $50,000.
Only in the computer is such beauty possible.
Feel free to download this straight to your mansion.
Listen, every reputable NFT collector is going to want to stick this up their Digi-Ass.
He may have walked out on you when you were young, but now you can have him back in NFT form.
Look at all this piss-to-be.The stuff true collectors dream of.
We promise that behind the blurred effect these genital NFTs are unique, one-of-a-kind, and NSFW, you’re just going to have to trust us.
The Face Of God
Cast down your eyes! Do not look upon this NFT unless you are clean of all sins or your soul will be burned!
Horse That Was Shot By Rowan Atkinson
For only $80,000, you can own this super-rare image of a horse that was shot and killed by Mr. Bean himself!
Finally, an NFT just for the gals!
Worth $3. Look, they’re not all going to be aces.
The Letter R
This NFT will give you 1/26th ownership of the alphabet, or approximately 3.8%.
Actually, can you throw this NFT out for us? Thanks!
FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE!
Welcome To The Bored Apple Yacht Club
There’s never been a better time to start downloading pure profits.
Do not comfort her. It only devalues the NFT.