‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser

‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser

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Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

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Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury

Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury

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Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life

Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life

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Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

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Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards

Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards

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Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

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Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’

Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’

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Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

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Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion

Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion

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After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love

After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love

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Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

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Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’

Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’

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Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time

Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time

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Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

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Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

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Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

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Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady

Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady

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Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards

Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards

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Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

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Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

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Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths

Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths

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Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

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Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

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Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet

Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet

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Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

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Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder

Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder

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Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand

Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand

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Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires

Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires

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Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

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Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

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‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

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‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy

‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy

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Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

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Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’

Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’

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All slides

  1. ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
  2. Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady
  3. Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury
  4. Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life
  5. Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation
  6. Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards
  7. Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL
  8. Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’
  9. Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About
  10. Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion
  11. After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love
  12. Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee
  13. Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’
  14. Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time
  15. Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy
  16. Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season
  17. Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations
  18. Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady
  19. Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards
  20. Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned
  21. Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp
  22. Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths
  23. Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady
  24. Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady
  25. Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet
  26. Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen
  27. Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder
  28. Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand
  29. Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires
  30. Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks
  31. Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water
  32. ‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl
  33. ‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy
  34. Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady
  35. Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’