‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser

Confiscated Patriots Videotapes Contain Extensive Footage Of Tom Brady Showering

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He’s Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady’s Knee Injury

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Eli Manning Wins Biggest Game Of Tom Brady’s Life

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Patriots’ Season Perfect For Rest Of Nation

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Hush Falls Over Patriots Camp As Tom Brady’s First 10 Passes Go 3 Yards

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady: ‘I’d Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads’

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Unscathed Tom Brady Walks Away From Car Crash In Slow Motion

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady: ‘Joe Montana Sucks And I Am Better Than Him’

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Keeps Referring To Self As ‘Golden Boy’ While Denying Cheating Allegations

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Roger Goodell Vows To Punish Whoever Responsible For Suspending Tom Brady

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Haunted By Destroyed Cell Phone Ringing Beneath Floorboards

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Patriots Hoping Emaciated Tom Brady Will End Hunger Strike Over Suspension Appeal In Time For Training Camp

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Applies Eye Black To Crow’s Feet

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Embarrassed Health Guru Informs Tom Brady He’s Been Mistakenly Following Toxic Diet Regimen

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Admits To Playing With Matt Ryan’s Chip On Shoulder

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Unfazed By Completely Detached Right Hand

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

‘No God, Please Not Now,’ Yells Rapidly Aging Tom Brady As Old Crone’s Spell Begins To Wear Off During Super Bowl

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

‘This One Means The Least Of All,’ Says Tom Brady Accepting Super Bowl Trophy

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement

Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Advertisement