The Onion’s 1-Second Workout

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Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition.

Try To Get Out Of A Beanbag Chair With Dignity (10 reps): Go on, try it. We dare you.


Stretch (0.2 seconds): It’s tempting to skip this step, but half a second from now your body will thank you.

Imagine Yourself In A Plank Position (0.01 seconds): You can almost feel the burn already.


One Decent Push-Up​, Just One​ (1 rep): Nope. Try again.

Lead Winning Iditarod Team (1 race): No time for questions! Mush!

​Pick A Fight With A Huge Fucking Biker (0.38 seconds): That dude from the Devils Disciples may pistol-whip you into a coma, but all your flailing around is an excellent full-body exercise. ​


Question The Warren Commission’s Investigation Into JFK’s Assassination (0.21 seconds): Using your brain is part of any comprehensive workout.

Touch Someone Else’s Toes (6 reps): Not only is this a great stretch, but you might even make a new friend in the process.


Buy A Muscle Suit Online (1 mouse click): Avoid the hassle of moving and instead just trick everyone into believing you’re ripped with a formfitting costume.

Pat Yourself On The Back (0.2 seconds): Take a moment to congratulate yourself. Not everyone takes care of themselves like you do.