The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

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Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Beach Mattress

Don’t forget to pack a big, colorful mattress if you plan on sunbathing

Tribute To The Crabs

If you’re going to spend any significant amount of time on their territory, the crabs will expect you to pay your respects with a small token or morsel of food


Dell Inspiron 15 3000 Series

This affordable and robust laptop has a long battery life, 4GB of memory, and enough GPU to handle any game in your library


Extra Sand

Sand is an essential part of every beach trip, and you don’t want to be stranded without it



A couple rotisserie chickens and a small selection of sausage links should do the trick


55-Gallon Drum Of Coppertone

Protect your skin from UV rays by staying completely submerged in SPF 50

Seagull Scarecrow

Protect your snacks from gulls with a scarecrow designed to look exactly like a 6-foot-tall lifeguard


Orca You Nursed Back To Health

If you happen to have one of these lying around, a trip to the beach is the perfect opportunity to release the creature you befriended and healed back into the wild


Photos Of Friends And Family

Make the beach feel like home with a few framed pictures and keepsakes

Enough Stones To Fill Your Pockets

The sea beckons with her calming embrace