The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Choose Your Venue: Jesus Christ, chill the fuck out. What are you, like, 2 years old at this point?

Choose Your Maid Of Honor: Now would be a great time to start undermining your relationship with your sister so you can ask one of your fun friends instead.

Give Your Significant Other An Ultimatum: Let’s be real, if he doesn’t want to get down on one knee, you can just as easily go to a sperm bank.

Vision Board: Start brainstorming potential flowers, guest lists, and person you are marrying.

Attire: Begin wearing your wedding dress to work, run errands, exercise, and sleep in order to make you feel totally comfortable while walking down the aisle.

Set Up Your Wedding Website: Include plenty of links to other similarly named weddings to help boost SEO.

Discover You’re Pregnant: If anyone asks, the venue made you move the wedding date up by three months.

Dessert: You’d be surprised how many cakes you’ll have to taste before you and your fiancé decide on which triple-decker you’ll both pop out of.

Tone: Pick an officiant who’s, like, a Quaker or something to really piss off both sets of parents.

Chastity Test: Have an appointment with the British Royal Obstetrician who will check to ensure purity.

Plagiarize Vows: With so much of your relationship already being fake, it’s only fitting that the promises you make to your future partner are also stolen from a generic internet template.

Combat Simulation: Ensure that your future spouse has a warrior spirit by reenacting the Battle of Thermopylae together.

The Juggler: You want them to be funny and risky to entertain the children, but also dignified and mature to keep the grandparents happy.

Just Say Fuck It And Decide To Elope: Sorry mom. It’s a little too much to handle right now.

Call All Of Your Exes: Offer them a last chance to grab you by the shoulders, kiss you passionately, and whisper, “He’s a lucky guy,” before driving away into the darkness.

Catering: If you don’t want to serve your guests cold pizza at the reception, we’d recommend placing that delivery order for the reception now.

Quietly Lock All Exit Routes: No one gets in or out.

Panic And Sprint Out Of The Venue In Your Wedding Dress: Run, run, and never look back.

Send Out Follow-Up Surveys: This is the best way to ensure that you avoid similar mistakes during your next wedding.

Regret: Wake up in a cold sweat when you realize you’ve married the wrong Baldwin brother.