The last thing you want while booking your wedding is to be three months out without a caterer, dress, or venue. Learn exactly when to plan each aspect of your special day with The Onion’s wedding calendar.
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2 / 22
30 Years Out
30 Years Out
Choose Your Venue: Jesus Christ, chill the fuck out. What are you, like, 2 years old at this point?
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3 / 22
8 Years Out
8 Years Out
Choose Your Maid Of Honor: Now would be a great time to start undermining your relationship with your sister so you can ask one of your fun friends instead.
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4 / 22
3 Years Out
3 Years Out
Give Your Significant Other An Ultimatum: Let’s be real, if he doesn’t want to get down on one knee, you can just as easily go to a sperm bank.
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5 / 22
12 Months Out
12 Months Out
Vision Board: Start brainstorming potential flowers, guest lists, and person you are marrying.
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6 / 22
10 Months Out
10 Months Out
Attire: Begin wearing your wedding dress to work, run errands, exercise, and sleep in order to make you feel totally comfortable while walking down the aisle.
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7 / 22
10 Months Out
10 Months Out
Set Up Your Wedding Website: Include plenty of links to other similarly named weddings to help boost SEO.
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8 / 22
9 Months Out
9 Months Out
Discover You’re Pregnant: If anyone asks, the venue made you move the wedding date up by three months.
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9 / 22
8 Months Out
8 Months Out
Dessert: You’d be surprised how many cakes you’ll have to taste before you and your fiancé decide on which triple-decker you’ll both pop out of.
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10 / 22
4 Months Out
4 Months Out
Tone: Pick an officiant who’s, like, a Quaker or something to really piss off both sets of parents.
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3 Months Out
3 Months Out
Chastity Test: Have an appointment with the British Royal Obstetrician who will check to ensure purity.
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3 Months Out
3 Months Out
Plagiarize Vows: With so much of your relationship already being fake, it’s only fitting that the promises you make to your future partner are also stolen from a generic internet template.
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13 / 22
2 Months Out
2 Months Out
Combat Simulation: Ensure that your future spouse has a warrior spirit by reenacting the Battle of Thermopylae together.
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14 / 22
1 Month Out
1 Month Out
The Juggler: You want them to be funny and risky to entertain the children, but also dignified and mature to keep the grandparents happy.
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15 / 22
2 Weeks Out
2 Weeks Out
Just Say Fuck It And Decide To Elope: Sorry mom. It’s a little too much to handle right now.
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16 / 22
1 Week Out
1 Week Out
Call All Of Your Exes: Offer them a last chance to grab you by the shoulders, kiss you passionately, and whisper, “He’s a lucky guy,” before driving away into the darkness.
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17 / 22
1 Hour Out
1 Hour Out
Catering: If you don’t want to serve your guests cold pizza at the reception, we’d recommend placing that delivery order for the reception now.
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18 / 22
5 Minutes Out
5 Minutes Out
Quietly Lock All Exit Routes: No one gets in or out.
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19 / 22
45 Seconds Out
45 Seconds Out
Panic And Sprint Out Of The Venue In Your Wedding Dress: Run, run, and never look back.
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20 / 22
3 Weeks After
3 Weeks After
Send Out Follow-Up Surveys: This is the best way to ensure that you avoid similar mistakes during your next wedding.
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21 / 22
3 Years After
3 Years After
Regret: Wake up in a cold sweat when you realize you’ve married the wrong Baldwin brother.
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