The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

The last thing you want while booking your wedding is to be three months out without a caterer, dress, or venue. Learn exactly when to plan each aspect of your special day with The Onion’s wedding calendar.

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30 Years Out

30 Years Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Choose Your Venue: Jesus Christ, chill the fuck out. What are you, like, 2 years old at this point?

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8 Years Out

8 Years Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Choose Your Maid Of Honor: Now would be a great time to start undermining your relationship with your sister so you can ask one of your fun friends instead.

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3 Years Out

3 Years Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Give Your Significant Other An Ultimatum: Let’s be real, if he doesn’t want to get down on one knee, you can just as easily go to a sperm bank.

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12 Months Out

12 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Vision Board: Start brainstorming potential flowers, guest lists, and person you are marrying.

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10 Months Out

10 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Attire: Begin wearing your wedding dress to work, run errands, exercise, and sleep in order to make you feel totally comfortable while walking down the aisle.

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10 Months Out

10 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Set Up Your Wedding Website: Include plenty of links to other similarly named weddings to help boost SEO.

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9 Months Out

9 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Discover You’re Pregnant: If anyone asks, the venue made you move the wedding date up by three months.

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8 Months Out

8 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Dessert: You’d be surprised how many cakes you’ll have to taste before you and your fiancé decide on which triple-decker you’ll both pop out of.

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4 Months Out

4 Months Out

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Tone: Pick an officiant who’s, like, a Quaker or something to really piss off both sets of parents.

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3 Months Out

3 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Chastity Test: Have an appointment with the British Royal Obstetrician who will check to ensure purity.

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3 Months Out

3 Months Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Plagiarize Vows: With so much of your relationship already being fake, it’s only fitting that the promises you make to your future partner are also stolen from a generic internet template.

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2 Months Out

2 Months Out

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Combat Simulation: Ensure that your future spouse has a warrior spirit by reenacting the Battle of Thermopylae together.

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1 Month Out

1 Month Out

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The Juggler: You want them to be funny and risky to entertain the children, but also dignified and mature to keep the grandparents happy.

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2 Weeks Out

2 Weeks Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Just Say Fuck It And Decide To Elope: Sorry mom. It’s a little too much to handle right now.

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1 Week Out

1 Week Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Call All Of Your Exes: Offer them a last chance to grab you by the shoulders, kiss you passionately, and whisper, “He’s a lucky guy,” before driving away into the darkness.

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1 Hour Out

1 Hour Out

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Catering: If you don’t want to serve your guests cold pizza at the reception, we’d recommend placing that delivery order for the reception now.

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5 Minutes Out

5 Minutes Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Quietly Lock All Exit Routes: No one gets in or out.

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45 Seconds Out

45 Seconds Out

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Panic And Sprint Out Of The Venue In Your Wedding Dress: Run, run, and never look back.

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3 Weeks After

3 Weeks After

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Send Out Follow-Up Surveys: This is the best way to ensure that you avoid similar mistakes during your next wedding.

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3 Years After

3 Years After

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Complete Wedding Planning Timeline

Regret: Wake up in a cold sweat when you realize you’ve married the wrong Baldwin brother.

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