Questions about the cognitive fitness of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) have spurred a difficult conversation among Democrats about whether she is able to perform her duties as an elected official. The Onion spoke to the long-serving senator about judicial nominations, reports of her mental decline, and plans for her remaining term.
Sen. Feinstein: Hurry, let’s get this started. I only have about 10 good minutes of being lucid!
Sen. Feinstein: Dianne Beauregard Sock Hop Feinstein.
Sen. Feinstein: It feels amazing. And listen to this, I flew here! Not like a bird, but on something called an aeroplane! Apparently they’ve just invented them, and I was sure scared, but I got here just fine, and I met so many nice new people!
Sen. Feinstein: It’s definitely sexism, given that I’m currently the fifth-youngest person in the Senate.
Sen. Feinstein: I’ve been dead for years already, so no need to worry.
Sen. Feinstein: Changa…bad?
Sen. Feinstein: I’d tell them that well-behaved women rarely make history, and I’ll be damned if my selfish misbehavior won’t be part of the history of why the Biden administration never accomplished anything.
Sen. Feinstein: I once saw the most beautiful little dog you’ve ever laid eyes on, some kind of spaniel I believe, and the owner was walking him right down the street without a leash! Can you believe it? The nerve! I wanted to kick that beautiful little dog just to show the owner that’s what happens when you don’t leash your pets.
Sen. Feinstein: You really think they were held up because I wasn’t there? Hell, they were thanking me. Usually Schumer has to make up some bullshit about the sacred bond of bipartisanship or some such drivel. This was an easy out for the party that is always looking for one.
Sen. Feinstein: Because my support won’t cost me my Senate seat, based on the data I’ve collected on California voters.
Sen. Feinstein: Kill me. Kill me please!
Sen. Feinstein: Please don’t insinuate I did anything corrupt, because I’ll have you know I put all my stocks in a blind trust controlled by other senators.
Sen. Feinstein: Owning all those schoolchildren who didn’t want to die of climate change.
Sen. Feinstein: Getting away with the murders of George Moscone and Harvey Milk.
Sen. Feinstein: Oh, abso-fucking-lutely not, ha ha!
A: Beats me. All I know is they replaced every organ in my body.
Sen. Feinstein: Oh, that. I was just being goofy. I’m a big goofball.
Sen. Feinstein: Seventeen.
Sen. Feinstein: I completely and wholeheartedly agree.
Sen. Feinstein: No way. Why do you think I had them repeat that so much? Because I forgot.
Sen. Feinstein: When the nuclear bomb went off, I served. When Harriet Tubman freed the slaves, I served. I served when the first fish walked onto land and when the star that became the Milky Way collapsed in on itself. And I will continue serving long after the small blip of time that includes you humans passes.
Sen. Feinstein: Definitely the Judiciary Committee. I think that one’s going to have some really long-lasting impact.
Sen. Feinstein: You’re not better than me! I’ll kill you!
Sen. Feinstein: More slop. So much more slop.
Sen. Feinstein: Let me retire on my own terms, with everyone fucking hating me as I hold democracy hostage.
Sen. Feinstein: Definitely Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Someday, I hope my death will set off a series of events that forever take rights away from our nation’s women.
Sen. Feinstein: Absolutely. Dianne Feinstein for Senate 1992.