The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Dianne Feinstein

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Questions about the cognitive fitness of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) have spurred a difficult conversation among Democrats about whether she is able to perform her duties as an elected official. The Onion spoke to the long-serving senator about judicial nominations, reports of her mental decline, and plans for her remaining term.

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The Onion: Hello, Senator. Thanks for—

Sen. Feinstein: Hurry, let’s get this started. I only have about 10 good minutes of being lucid!

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The Onion: Please state your name for the record.

Sen. Feinstein: Dianne Beauregard Sock Hop Feinstein.

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The Onion: How does it feel to be back in Washington?

Sen. Feinstein: It feels amazing. And listen to this, I flew here! Not like a bird, but on something called an aeroplane! Apparently they’ve just invented them, and I was sure scared, but I got here just fine, and I met so many nice new people!

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The Onion: Many have accused your critics of sexism, saying that if you were a man, no one would call into question your mental fitness. Do you agree?

Sen. Feinstein: It’s definitely sexism, given that I’m currently the fifth-youngest person in the Senate.

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The Onion: What do you say to critics who think your health is a concern?

Sen. Feinstein: I’ve been dead for years already, so no need to worry.

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The Onion: What are your thoughts on deteriorating U.S.–China relations?

Sen. Feinstein: Changa…bad?

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The Onion: What would you say to critics who have called you selfish for not stepping down?

Sen. Feinstein: I’d tell them that well-behaved women rarely make history, and I’ll be damned if my selfish misbehavior won’t be part of the history of why the Biden administration never accomplished anything.

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The Onion: What is your proudest accomplishment as a senator?

Sen. Feinstein: I once saw the most beautiful little dog you’ve ever laid eyes on, some kind of spaniel I believe, and the owner was walking him right down the street without a leash! Can you believe it? The nerve! I wanted to kick that beautiful little dog just to show the owner that’s what happens when you don’t leash your pets.

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The Onion: Do you feel bad about missing so many days of work and holding up the Democrats’ legislative agenda?

Sen. Feinstein: You really think they were held up because I wasn’t there? Hell, they were thanking me. Usually Schumer has to make up some bullshit about the sacred bond of bipartisanship or some such drivel. This was an easy out for the party that is always looking for one.

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The Onion: Why do you always support mass-surveillance programs such as those operated by the NSA and through the Patriot Act?

Sen. Feinstein: Because my support won’t cost me my Senate seat, based on the data I’ve collected on California voters.

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The Onion: How are you feeling today, Senator?

Sen. Feinstein: Kill me. Kill me please!

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The Onion: How did your wealth increase so much while you were in the Senate?

Sen. Feinstein: Please don’t insinuate I did anything corrupt, because I’ll have you know I put all my stocks in a blind trust controlled by other senators.

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The Onion: What work in the Senate are you most proud of?

Sen. Feinstein: Owning all those schoolchildren who didn’t want to die of climate change.

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The Onion: In your illustrious decades-long long political career, what do you regard as your greatest accomplishment?

Sen. Feinstein: Getting away with the murders of George Moscone and Harvey Milk.

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The Onion: You don’t know where you are, huh?

Sen. Feinstein: Oh, abso-fucking-lutely not, ha ha!

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The Onion: What the hell is shingles, anyway?

A: Beats me. All I know is they replaced every organ in my body.

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The Onion: There have been reports that you have struggled with your memory loss in recent months, in one case forgetting that a staffer had resigned the previous day. Any comments?

Sen. Feinstein: Oh, that. I was just being goofy. I’m a big goofball.

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The Onion: How many fingers am I holding up?

Sen. Feinstein: Seventeen.

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The Onion: The blueberries in the sky took the duck to the car wash, but unfortunately midnight got fired from the Staples Center.

Sen. Feinstein: I completely and wholeheartedly agree.

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The Onion: You and your staff have repeatedly claimed that your memory issues are overblown. Is that true?

Sen. Feinstein: No way. Why do you think I had them repeat that so much? Because I forgot.

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The Onion: How long have you been in office?

Sen. Feinstein: When the nuclear bomb went off, I served. When Harriet Tubman freed the slaves, I served. I served when the first fish walked onto land and when the star that became the Milky Way collapsed in on itself. And I will continue serving long after the small blip of time that includes you humans passes.

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The Onion: What’s been your favorite committee to hold up with your inaction?

Sen. Feinstein: Definitely the Judiciary Committee. I think that one’s going to have some really long-lasting impact.

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The Onion: If you could tell the younger generation one thing to always remember, what would it be?

Sen. Feinstein: You’re not better than me! I’ll kill you!

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The Onion: What legislation do you still have up your sleeve?

Sen. Feinstein: More slop. So much more slop.

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The Onion: What would you say to people asking you to step down?

Sen. Feinstein: Let me retire on my own terms, with everyone fucking hating me as I hold democracy hostage.

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The Onion: Who is someone you look up to as a public servant?

Sen. Feinstein: Definitely Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Someday, I hope my death will set off a series of events that forever take rights away from our nation’s women.

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The Onion: Are you going to run again?

Sen. Feinstein: Absolutely. Dianne Feinstein for Senate 1992.

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