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The Onion’s Guide To ASMR

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Autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR, has inspired a video phenomenon with millions of viewers, although its popularity can also confound. The Onion answers common questions about ASMR.

Q: What is ASMR?
A: The most effortless way to score thousands of YouTube subscribers.

Q: Is this a sex thing?
A: Like everything else on the internet, no, but also yes absolutely.


Q: Why has ASMR risen in popularity?
A: Humans are now unable to spend five seconds without any stimuli.

Q: Who’s the biggest star in ASMR?
A: A hairbrush in Columbus, OH.

Q: Isn’t ASMR just people whispering? 
A: No, ASMR can range all the way from murmuring to mumbling to even muttering.


Q: Are there any alternatives to ASMR?
A: Intimacy.

Q: How is it supposed to make me feel?
A: As ashamed as anyone who just spent 45 minutes listening to someone drop batteries on folded towels.


Q: Can you answer that again, but in more of a whisper?
A: No, you sick fuck.