The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

  • Help lifeguards do their jobs by letting them know in advance if you plan to drown that day
  • Avoid feeding seagulls less than half an hour before they get into the water
  • Remember that you are responsible for disposing of any garbage that bumps into you while in the ocean
  • Shout “Heads up!” in the half-second before your Frisbee corkscrews into a crowd of sunbathers
  • When using a portable radio or other music-playing device, keep the volume at a low level for all but the most epic of guitar solos
  • It’s considered courteous to refill the giant hole you dug so others know the antisocial loser has left the area
  • Leave space between you and your neighbors, as beach towels may create sparks and ignite when they come into contact with one another
  • Always loudly scream “Shark!” while standing at the edge of the water to ensure everyone is aware that so many species of sharks are endangered and will go extinct if not protected from commercial fishing
  • If you see someone caught in a rip current, be sure to notify the lifeguard on the way back to your car
  • Before you depart, do your part to combat coastal erosion by dumping a trunkful of imported sand at your location