The Onion’s Guide To ‘Fortnite’

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The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.


Q: What is Fortnite?

A: A game where 100 players compete to survive in the violent, cutthroat world of architecture.

Q: Does Fortnite cost anything?

A: The first taste is always free.

Q: What consoles is Fortnite available on?

A: The game remains exclusive to SEGA Dreamcast.

Q: Is there a social component?

A: You can talk with other players during the game, which could technically count as being social.

Q: What’s the best landing spot?

A: It’s a little-known fact, but players report a 100 percent victory rate if they drop down 700 miles west of the island in the Ornery Ocean.


Q: Should parents freak out about it?

A: Of course.

Q: If I’m situated in a one-by-one on the hills above Tilted Towers with a no-skin sniper to my south and a John Wick with a light machine gun charging up from the north, do I switch to my tactical submachine gun or my suppressed submachine gun?


A: They removed the tactical submachine gun from the game in the last patch update, you fucking imbecile.

Q: What makes Fortnite different from other games?

A: Look, we have no idea. Sometimes things just catch on, all right?