The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out. Here are some rules of etiquette that every gym member should follow:

  • After you finish using an exercise machine, it is common courtesy to wipe off any sweat, reupholster the seat, and re-tighten any screws for the next person.
  • The gym isn’t your personal workout room. When you’re done with dumbbells, scatter them around the floor so other people can easily access them.
  • Only sweat into the designated perspiration basins.
  • Before beginning your yoga class, make sure your helmet fits securely.
  • While lifting free weights, grunt as loudly as possible so people look at you and see what proper form sounds like.
  • Never touch the ellipticals. They’re solely ornamental.
  • If you want to use a machine that someone else is using, let them know by making prolonged eye contact.
  • If you’re in shape, it’s polite to stay as far out of sight as possible.
  • Above all, know your limits, and never exercise more than you think will impress people.