The Onion’s Guide To Socially Responsible Investing

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Over the past several years, interest has grown in investing in companies that meet the guidelines for ESG, or environmental, social, and governance, but in practice it can be confusing and even controversial. The Onion provides a guide to socially responsible investing.

Q: How do I get started in socially responsible investing?
A: First, ask yourself if having a conscience is right for you.


Q: What kinds of things should I look for in an ESG?
A: Just hand your money to the first CEO who utters the word “sustainable.”

Q: What makes a company ethical?
A: They must have at least one tree, body of water, or endangered animal on their board


Q: How can I repress my suspicion that social responsibility is impossible in the capitalist system? 
A: Hey look, your mutual fund is up 26 bucks!

Q: What should I be putting money into?
A: The northern red oak tree produces the greatest year-over-year return on investment.


Q: What’s the difference between ethical, sustainable, and responsible investing? /A: Subtle variations in how you justify owning a Tesla.

Q: What are the most ethical products to invest in?
A: While there are many options, research consistently shows that nothing beats the Onion Store’s mugs and t-shirts for ethical investment value.


Q: Can divesting from immoral industries bring about change?
A: Experts are mixed on this, especially if it affects their investments

Q: Will a shift to ethical investing stave off global warming and societal collapse?
A: Look, do you want to earn more money or not?