The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection

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The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a sneaker collection of their own to know where to start. The Onion offers tips for starting a sneaker collection.

  • Begin With A Simple Goal: Start with something straightforward, like buying a pair of Air Jordans, before moving on to something more ambitious, like stealing a pair of Air Jordans off the feet of Michael Jordan himself.
  • Understand The Lingo: Words like “shoes,” “laces,” and “feet” are a great way to start.
  • Watch Out For Doll Shoes: While one-to-three-inch versions may look authentic, no human foot will fit in them, so they’re likely counterfeit.
  • Learn To Tie Your Shoes: This is a necessary prerequisite to fully enjoying sneakers.
  • Play In The NBA: On top of multimillion-dollar contracts, endorsements from companies like Nike and Adidas make it easy to amass hundreds of shoes without breaking the bank.
  • Don’t Be Afraid: Fear never stopped Eleanor Roosevelt from collecting one of the greatest sneaker collections of all time.
  • Colors: You’re going to want colors.
  • Grow More Feet: There’s no point in having more than one pair of shoes unless you grow at least six additional feet to show them all off.
  • Look Out For Fakes: If a pair of sneakers doesn’t look authentically made in a sweatshop, it might be counterfeit. Check the craftsmanship for small details that could only have been made with teeny-tiny child hands.