Joe Biden
Birthplace: Middle Class, Swing State, USA
Electoral Strategy: Inertia
Greatest Liability: Prone to speaking publicly
Anticipated VP Pick: Stacey Abrams or the other one
Position On Iraq War: All of them
Campaign Bus: Desegregated during middle of 2008 run
Biggest Endorsement: “Hi, you’ve reached Barack’s voicemail”
Number Of Accusations Of Acting Inappropriately Toward Women And Girls: Butter pecan, with mint chocolate chip a very close second
Bernie Sanders
Childhood Hero: Social Security
Political Career: Mayor of Burlington, VT; President of Sovereign State of Burlington; Supreme Leader of Independent Republic of Bernard
Best-Selling Album: Bernie Sanders Live At Budokan
Biggest Strength: Would virtually lock down Vermont for Democrats
Biggest Weakness: Radical views could make him bigger risk in general election than moderate winners Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Al Gore
Guilty Pleasure: Ayn Rand
Greatest Liability: Keen awareness that at 78, he may only have five or six more shots at presidency
How He Plans To Pay For Medicare For All: With money
Elizabeth Warren
Background: Republican on her father’s side
Gender: Really? Wow.
Ethnicity: Depends on the paperwork
Credentials: Completed Barack Obama’s online Presidential MasterClass
Greatest Liability: Thoughtful, meticulously researched policy positions
Legal History: Bravely helped corporations stand up to suffering coal miners
Previous Political Affiliation: Republican (1967-1996), Whig (1832-1967), Anti-Masonic (1828-1832)
Stance On Private Fundraisers: Unethical unless her campaign could benefit from it
Michael Bloomberg
Birthplace: Bloomberg Memorial Hospital, Bloombergsville, MA
Source Of Wealth: Extremely opportune bet on 1985 Chicago Bears
Campaign Slogan: “Who Do I Make This Out To?”
Plan For National Debt: 19 years of daily wire transfers (just under $10,000 each) traced to an offshore personal checking account
Unique Selling Point: Can act as bridge between Forbes 1-10 and 11-20 richest people in world
Biggest Hurdle: Convincing voters he exists outside television set
Number Of Media Companies He Owns Definitely Maintaining Journalistic Rigor In Regard To His Campaign: 1
Reason For Running As Democrat: Republicans already had a guy
Pete Buttigieg
Birthplace: Hardscrabble, down-on-its-luck section of Notre Dame campus
Favorite Childhood Memory: Smiling wryly and saying, “What a shame,” when Sarah Hagersmith’s elaborate volcano mysteriously malfunctioned and lost her the coveted sixth-grade science fair trophy
Military Experience: Seven months in Afghanistan serving in the Anecdote Corps For Future Presidential Candidates
Early Political Career: First gained prominence as youngest-ever resident of South Bend, IN
Connection To Hispanic Community: Intermediate per Duolingo
Military Nickname: The Butcher of Kabul
Interesting Personal Fact: None
Policy Positions: Listen, no candidate is perfect
Andrew Yang
Birthplace: Blockchain Reddit forum
Political Party: Libertarian
Campaign Slogan: “Join The Group Of People Who Support Andrew Yang”
Greatest Obstacle To Nomination: America’s deep-seated hatred of math
Reason For Campaign: Clearly gunning for even single mention on CNN
Climate Change Plan: Leave halfway interesting Earth for the robots
Unexpected Success Over Multiple Establishment Candidates Proof That U.S. Voters Desperate For Massive Change To Status Quo: That doesn’t sound right
First Promise He’ll Break If Elected: $1,000 a month per person Freedom Dividend
Tom Steyer
Name: Tom Steyer
Type Of Man: Business
How He Made Fortune: Fossil fuels but now he’s really sorry
Biggest Debate Moment: Having gall to attend
Preferred Weapon: Chain
Current Polling: Second among billionaires seeking Democratic nomination
Political Experience: Has had many of the same opinions as leading Democrats
Who He’d Vote For Besides Himself: Not a registered voter
Amy Klobuchar
Home State: The Midwest
Personal Record For Making Campaign Intern Cry: 6.8 seconds
Hours Spent Studying For Each Debate Joke: 3
Primary Strategy: Hope Iowa’s population at least 30% cable news pundits
Biggest Strength: Hasn’t attracted enough attention to have major flaws uncovered
Experience Measured In Mayor Petes: 4.5
Favorite Animal: Ants burning under magnifying glass
Expected Time Of Campaign Suspension: Two to three weeks
Tulsi Gabbard
Background: Became colonial subject of American empire on April 12, 1981
Primary Goal of 2020 Campaign: Defeat Hillary Clinton
View On Impeachment: Present
Favorite Alice In Chains Album: Jar Of Flies
Mentions Military Service: Every 3.32 minutes
Biggest Liability: Friendship with unspeakably violent authoritarian leader Narenda Modi
LGBTQ Views: Staunchly pro-political convenience
Can Name Even One Type Of Candy: No