The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

  • When it comes to selecting a costume, remain flexible. Some beloved public figure could suddenly die, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance to make fun of that.
  • Reopening any partially healed wounds is a fun and easy way to save money on expensive costumes.
  • When assembling a trick-or-treating group, remember to fill your ranks with the brains, the muscle, the looks, and the wildcard.
  • Leave Randy at home. He can barely walk in that panda costume and he’ll only slow you down.
  • Goblins and ghosts can be frightening for young children. Parents should prepare them by startling them in costume at all hours for several weeks leading up to Halloween.
  • Houses with the lights out mean no one’s home, so go in through the garage and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.
  • To maximize your route, start early on the East Coast and trick-or-treat westward with the sunset.
  • If you encounter a bowl of candy left unattended on a front porch, consult the latest census data and take the percentage of candy allotted to you based on population.
  • Criminals love to poison the Crunch bars, so you’d better just give those and anything with nougat to Mommy.