The Onion’s Guide To Voting

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Midterm elections are taking place today, with 36 Senate spots, all 435 House seats, and thousands of local posts to be decided at ballot boxes across the country. Here is a rundown of how the voting process works:

  • At precisely 12:01 a.m. on Election Day, from the pulpit atop Washington’s Representative Democracy Tower, the FEC chairman delivers his electoral benediction, officially declaring the midterms open to the cheering masses below
  • Before heading to the polls, voters can find their polling place by going to one of many election information sites, keying in their name and address, and receiving an automated error message
  • To prepare for casting a ballot, voters can go onto their local government’s website, enter their name and party affiliation, and see a preview of the completed ballot they will fill out
  • Voters arrive at polling place and mutter “Jesus fucking Christ” upon seeing length of line
  • Polling station volunteer checks three forms of voter’s DNA
  • Before casting ballot, voters are allowed to hold $200 in cash to remind them how much was spent on their individual vote
  • Voters enter a booth and draw the curtain behind them to protect those standing in line from the blinding golden light of political participation
  • Each voting booth is equipped with a projector to get in one last Democratic and one last GOP attack ad before ballot is cast
  • After they submit a completed ballot, an “I Voted” brand is applied to the flesh of the voter’s chest by a polling place volunteer
  • Exemplary ballots are posted up around polling station to show off to voters
  • Voter grabs a long lunch with some friends, then maybe squeezes in a little shopping before returning to work and telling boss what a long wait there was at the polling place
  • After polls close, official counters allow ballots 15 minutes to cool
  • 2012 absentee ballots arrive
  • Ballots are gathered into a large pile at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial and burned so that the Federal Election Seer may divine the nation’s will in the dancing of the flames