As wedding season approaches, The Onion provides a guide to help guests make the perfect sartorial choice.

Guests should avoid wearing white, but beige is passable if it’s just Melissa’s wedding

White-tie attire is very strict: floor-length evening gown for women, and floor-length tailcoat, floor-length shirt, floor-length tie, floor-length vest, and floor-length gloves for men

Many women choose to observe family tradition by wearing the cocktail dress their mother wore on her cousin’s wedding day


Bridesmaids will wear an A-line chiffon halter dress in salmon pink and like it

If the invitation says “Windwaker attire,” dress for a more casual Legend Of Zelda-themed wedding than you would for a more formal Ocarina Of Time event


Wear an eye-catching pop of color, especially if you plan on interrupting the ceremony to convince one member of the couple to come away with you

Yeah, those shoes should be fine

Wearing The Serpent’s Amulet will make you irresistible to everyone you encounter, but keep in mind you must be home before the moon sits high above the clouds and the transformation begins, so plan ahead


It’s critical to find out what styles the wedding party is wearing so you don’t show up in the same dress as the flower girl again

If you’re a man, just find some kind of suit in a dark color and put it on