The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Her

PublishedDecember 10, 2014

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Braun Electric Bone Trimmer

Allow her to take care of unsightly cartilage and uneven bone structure with this easy-to-use three-speed electric bone trimmer. Finally, your woman can get the look she’s always wanted! ($79)

One Night In The Grave Of Grace Kelly

Treat the woman in your life to an enchanting evening inside the final resting place of timeless beauty and star of the silver screen Grace Kelly. She’s sure to feel like royalty when she descends into the opulent Monaco crypt and spends a full 10 hours in the presence of the remains of Princess Grace herself! Now, that’s a gift with some class! ($3,500)

Wheeled Lipstick

She’ll never have to lug that lipstick around again with this convenient new cosmetic, which comes complete with heavy-duty wheels and sturdy tow rope. ($9)

Framed Photo Of The Birmingham, AL Skyline

Your beloved wife, sister, mother, or daughter is sure to be singing your praises when she’s presented with a gorgeous framed photo of the largest city in Alabama. From the cluster of seven-story buildings in the heart of downtown, to the AT&T City Center, this stunning photo of the seat of Jefferson County is sure to leave her breathless. ($90)

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An Audio Compilation Of The Best Moments From All Of Her Phone Calls Over The Past Year

Go the extra mile and put in some effort to show you really care. Splice together a montage of all your favorite snippets of her conversations with friends, family, and you! ($1 for blank CD)

Vintage Trunk Full Of Breaths From Children Who Have Perished

Wow your woman with this one-of-a-kind vintage trunk filled with the countless breaths of children who have perished. The 42”-by-28” oak trunk with leather accents is suitable for all living spaces. Whether you keep it closed or leave it open to release the last remnants of life force from dozens of long-dead pre-adolescents, it is sure to give any room a classic look that a special woman in your life will love. ($590)

Larry Ellison’s Holiday Album, My Holiday Heart

Show your romantic side by giving your special someone Oracle co-founder Larry Ellison’s debut album, My Holiday Heart. Featuring holiday classics and Ellison originals, the music of one of the world’s few billionaires will warm your hearts this holiday season. ($16)

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