The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Him

PublishedDecember 9, 2014

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NFL Nipple Clamps

Available for all 32 NFL franchises, these adjustable metal clamps are perfect for the football fan who knows just how close pain is to ecstasy. ($49)

Keychain Leaf Blower

He’ll never be caught off-guard by the changing of the seasons again with this handy miniature leaf blower that goes wherever he goes! ($25)

Bob Seger’s Half-Finished Beer

With a full-bodied flavor and a clean finish, this frosty domestic brew was sipped by the man behind such hits as “Hollywood Nights,” “Turn The Page,” and “Night Moves.” What man wouldn’t want the second half of a beer that’s graced the lips of one of the kings of heartland rock? ($85)

Formal Cummerbund Tool Belt

This sleek, pleated waist sash is designed to comfortably carry your tape measure, cordless drill, and other tools for any formal occasion. ($55)

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Neutrogena Lawn Moisturizer

The man in your life will never let his lawn get overly dry again with this 100 percent natural moisturizing cream that ensures every blade of grass is healthy and looking great. Say goodbye to the rough, dry expanse between the driveway and the neighbor’s yard, and say hello to touchably soft turf. ($10)

2015 Chrysler Sedan Building Kit

There’s nothing more satisfying than using your own two hands to build a customized 2015 Chrysler. The Sedan Building Kit comes with a chassis, steering wheel, leather seats, bumpers, and tires, as well as a variety of color finishes for the exterior. ($18,700)

Neil Young Signature 9mm Handgun

Make your man feel special with Neil Young’s limited line of 9mm handguns with exceptional rear sight and customizable grip panel. For just $75 extra, you can also have Young’s signature or a personal message engraved into the barrel. And the first 100 off the shelf are personally labeled, inspected, and tested by the folk crooner himself. ($560)

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