The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Kids

PublishedDecember 11, 2014

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Tonka Deluxe Gender Reinforcement Set

This 16-piece set of testosterone-focused construction equipment is perfect for any parent who wants to push their child toward a male gender identity at an early age. You’re guaranteed to reinforce a skewed perception of manhood for hours on end with this fun holiday gift! ($40)

1 Hobbled Horse

Teach your son or daughter a powerful lesson about mortality with this crippled Tennessee Walking Horse. Just give your child an appropriately sized pistol or rifle that can penetrate the skull, and make sure they aim for the top of the skull rather than between the eyes, where a shot would only hit the sinus cavity and cause increased suffering. ($1,600)

Legos All-Chokable-Pieces Set

A large box containing 654 of the most airway-obstructing plastic building blocks that the iconic toy company has to offer! ($35)

Electrolysis Machine

With the craze of permanently removing all hair from one’s body sweeping playgrounds across the nation, this 27 MHz home electrolysis system allows children of all ages to give themselves the smooth, hairless skin they crave. ($130)

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Poster Of One Direction Tour Manager Paul Higgins

Fans of the massively popular boy band won’t want to miss out on owning this 22”-by-34” poster of the group’s 49-year-old Irish tour manager, Paul! ($12)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts: Complete DVD Collection

Let your little friar relive the days of insults, slams, and zingers as Jackie Mason, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, and many more send up comedy legends in these 54 legendary roasts. Guaranteed to entertain your little quipster for hours at home or on a long road trip! ($249)

Hot Wheels Set You Can Pick Up For Your Nephew Nick At Walgreens

Your nephew will probably spend a few hours playing with the four cars and eight feet of track included in this set you quickly purchase before heading over to your sister’s for dinner. It’s either this or a $10 iTunes gift card. This should be fine. ($16)

Ninja Turtles Adult Fan Action Figure

If your kids are TMNT enthusiasts, they’ll love this new line of toys based on the turtles’ stunted adult fans! ($9)

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