The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Oh, wow, look at that!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Whoa!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Ooh! Look at the pretty green one, sweetie.

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Ah, I just love the weeping willow ones.

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Wow, did you see that big one, Joshie? Josh? Joshua?! JOSHUA?!!! JOSHUA!!!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Oh my God. Steve, where’s Joshua?!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

JOSHUA!!! Scott, where’s your brother?! Did you see him go anywhere? DID YOU SEE HIM GO ANYWHERE?!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

No, no, no, no, no…

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Maybe he went over by the guy selling glow sticks—he really liked those. Or the funnel cake stand. Or—I don’t know, I don’t know. Dammit, there are so many goddamn people here—I can’t see anything. Can you see anything, Steve?

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

JOSH!!! It’s too loud, I don’t think he can hear us. Damn these fucking fireworks! JOSHUA!!!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Excuse me, but—No, you don’t know? Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for my son and—calm down?! Calm down?! I’m trying to find my kid here, okay?! You calm down! JOSHUA!!!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Found him! Oh, my God! Steve, he’s over here! My baby. My baby!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

What did we say about leaving the blanket?! What did we say about leaving the blanket, Josh?!

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

You never walk away from me or Daddy! NEVER! Do you understand? Look at me. Look at me right now. Do you understand me, Joshua?

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Do you know how much you scared Mommy when you did that? Do you know how upset Mommy was? No, no, we’re not mad at you, you just can’t do that again.

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re all okay.

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Steve, let’s get out of here. Let’s just leave. Scott, come on, we’re going right now. I don’t want to hear it—we’re leaving. That’s it.

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular
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