With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.
Lavender-Scented Polaris Ranger Off-Road ATV ($9,000)
The perfect gift for a mom who loves to explore off the beaten path. Also available in Cappuccino and Tea Tree Lemon.
Registered Domain Name ($0.99)
With her very own URL, now all Mom has to do is port the domain to a hosting platform, pick any CMS she wants, and code to her heart’s content.
Apple MacBook Air Laptop
The M1 chip delivers 3.5x faster performance than the previous generation all while using way less power. Get up to 18 hours of battery life.
Promise Of Going Out To A Nice Dinner In A Few Weeks ($0)
That’ll buy you some time.
DNA Test That Proves You’re Her Child ($200)
Your mom will appreciate the personal thought and effort that went into this unique gift.
Creamy Vanilla Coconut Yankee Candle ($21.99)
She’s going to end up putting this in her bathroom come hell or high water, so it might as well come from you.
Spa Package ($129)
A pampering treatment is perfect for any mom who wasn’t able to retire early because you refused to go to an in-state college.
Custom Cabinet Knobs That Look Like Your Head ($78)
There’s nothing that will make Mom happier than seeing your face every time she reaches for a can opener.
Box Seats To QVC On Ice ($160)
All her friends will be jealous when you take Mom to see Shawn Killinger and Jill Bauer show off the best new jewelry cleaner and collapsible luggage in a live ice-skating spectacular.
Card With A Cat On It ($3.79)
Sure, just write something in it about how you love her more than anything. She’ll eat that right up.