The Onion’s Mother’s Day Gift Guide

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With Mother’s Day just around the corner, The Onion has put together a selection of gifts that any mom would love.

Lavender-Scented Polaris Ranger Off-Road ATV ($9,000)

The perfect gift for a mom who loves to explore off the beaten path. Also available in Cappuccino and Tea Tree Lemon.


Registered Domain Name ($0.99)

With her very own URL, now all Mom has to do is port the domain to a hosting platform, pick any CMS she wants, and code to her heart’s content.


Promise Of Going Out To A Nice Dinner In A Few Weeks ($0)

That’ll buy you some time.

DNA Test That Proves You’re Her Child ($200)

Your mom will appreciate the personal thought and effort that went into this unique gift.


Creamy Vanilla Coconut Yankee Candle ($21.99)

She’s going to end up putting this in her bathroom come hell or high water, so it might as well come from you.


Spa Package ($129)

A pampering treatment is perfect for any mom who wasn’t able to retire early because you refused to go to an in-state college.


Custom Cabinet Knobs That Look Like Your Head ($78)

There’s nothing that will make Mom happier than seeing your face every time she reaches for a can opener.


Box Seats To QVC On Ice ($160)

All her friends will be jealous when you take Mom to see Shawn Killinger and Jill Bauer show off the best new jewelry cleaner and collapsible luggage in a live ice-skating spectacular.


Card With A Cat On It ($3.79)

Sure, just write something in it about how you love her more than anything. She’ll eat that right up.