In preparation for summer camp season, The Onion has provided a list of essential items every child needs during their time away from home.


Four More Sweaters Than Necessary

Ensure that your child is never cold, and then throw in a few more sweaters and an extra sweatshirt that doesn’t fit them anymore for good measure

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Moose Repellent

A good repellent is much more effective than swatting them away


Pictures Of Family And Friends

Send your child off with a reminder of the people who care about him so little that they abandoned him in the fucking woods

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Assorted Goops Variety Pack

No camper can survive the summer without five or six different variations of goop to rub on themselves

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Gun You Need To Hide From The Feds

Just toss it in the duffel bag—no way they’ll find it at Camp Cedar Crest


Journal

Perfect for recording the version of events they’ll actually tell people at school

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Collected Works Of Elizabeth Barrett Browning

With a good Victorian poetry collection to read on the dock, they won’t miss the limitless entertainment of the internet at all

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Cyanide Capsule

Make sure your camper is prepared for the great outdoors by giving them the merciful option to end it all rather than lie helpless and alone in the woods, predators closing in from all sides

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Mosquitoes

Most camps provide these, but kids can ensure they’re getting the quintessential summer camp experience by bringing their own swarm of bloodsucking insects

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Enough Insulin

Double-check this time

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