Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for building your perfect home office.
Best Standing Desk
100% Cedar Wooden Stocks: Chiropractors agree that the secret to good posture is a set of sturdy wooden stocks to keep your neck and hands completely stationary while at your desk.
Best Printer
Epson Decoy Printer: At just under $20, this empty plastic shell is perfect for anyone who never uses a printer but somehow feels like it’s not a home office without one.
Best Unclaimed Rotting Leftovers
Riverside Grill: Recreate the office kitchen in your own home refrigerator with a brown takeout box from this mediocre downtown bistro containing half a chicken sandwich and a handful of soggy fries.
Best Pen
Bic Lite’s Zero-Calorie Ball-Point: If you’re looking for a pen that won’t pack on the pounds, we recommend Bic’s Zero-Calorie line. They write just like full-calorie pens but won’t widen your waistline.
Best Headphones
Bose Consciousness-Canceling Headphones: Simply the best among all audio brands for superior protection from distracting noise, thoughts, and awareness.
Best Salt Lick
Denson’s Sodium Block: When you need to replace your minerals, it’s hard to compete with the classics. Denson’s has been making generously portioned blocks of sodium since the Civil War, and it shows in their blocks’ rich mouthfeel.
Best Wrist Rest
Belkin Human Flesh Wrist Rest: Protect your forearm and stave off loneliness while working alone with this wrist rest, which is made from 100% human flesh.
Best Organizer
Staples CF-12 Organizing Web: More than eight feet of extruded silk strands that stretch across an entire wall and conveniently trap all your pens, folders, paperclips, and other supplies.
Best Gun
Smith & Wesson Deskmate M2.0 Compact With Single-Round Storage: You love your job, but sometimes it’s been a tough day at work and you’re looking at 10 to 20 years for securities fraud. Knock off a little early with this intuitive one-shot pistol.