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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen

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Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.

In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for designing your dream kitchen.

Best Oven Mitt
Sur La Table Graftable Oven Mitt: Save time on baking with the only dual-layer oven mitt that is sewn directly onto the flesh of your hand.

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Best Knife
KnifeCo Big Shiny Knife: Feel like a Michelin-star chef in your own home with this culinary trade secret, a big shiny knife that cuts real good.

Best Food
Iwasaki Decoy Chowder: Keep your valuable chowder safe with this permanently installed decoy, available in cup or bowl.

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Best Countertop Cooker
The AirBoiler 3000 by KitchenAid: Satisfy your craving for boiled food without all the added water with the AirBoiler 3000.

Best Bottle Opener
Teeth: Are you a real man, or ain’t ya?

Best Pans
Those Copper Ones For Hanging: Boy, do these look fancy. Just remember not to cook with them and to use the nonstick one from Target instead.

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Best Countertops
The Elgin Marbles: Currently housed in the British Museum, these priceless artifacts from ancient Greece are perfect for a one-of-a-kind luxe counterscape.

Best Ortolan-Drowning Basin
Le Creuset Bain d’Oiseau: No kitchen is complete without a copper-bottomed basin to fill with cognac and drown the delicate songbird known as the ortolan, after which you must consume it while hiding under a napkin to shield yourself from God’s judgment. Only $599!

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Best Smart Tech
iGeyser by Sony: Stop forgetting to drink water throughout the day with Sony’s iGeyser, which tracks your every movement and sprays you with a 5,000-gallon jet of water every 30 minutes.

Best Personal Chef
Bound-And-Gagged Jamie Oliver: A dream kitchen is only worth having if there’s someone who knows how to make the most of it.