Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for constructing the home entertainment center of your dreams.
Best Entertainment System
Samsung Classic Shadow Puppetry Stage: Ditch the high cost of streaming and enjoy a more traditional form of entertainment where you can watch the most engaging silhouette dramas you’ve ever seen.
Best TV To Steal From Your Neighbor
Sony 55-Inch 4K Ultra HD TV: Great picture but still slim and lightweight enough to maneuver out of your neighbor’s house in under 10 minutes.
Best Viewing Companion
Laura: Always brings weed.
Heat: No point in wasting your time with the rest of your setup if you aren’t showing this classic 1995 crime drama.
Best Remote Control
Wireless LG All-In-One Remote: Tired of being chained to your TV with that pesky old wired remote? Try the very best in wireless remote technology!
Best Personal Jester
Beauregard: He’s been known to chatter, but with a range of customizable modes from zany to melancholy to sardonic, Beauregard will keep you and your court in stitches.
Best Noise-Canceling Headphones
Bose Noise Cancelers 600: So you can finally block out that annoying carbon monoxide detector that just keeps going off.
Best Framed Picture Of Family
That One, We Guess: When Mom comes over she’ll want to see a nice picture of everyone placed somewhere prominent, so it might as well be that one there.
Best Entertainment Center For Crushing Your Toddler
Furniture Tech Wall Unit: This heavy but unsteady entertainment center has room for a 56-inch television and cannot safely be secured to the wall.