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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car

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Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.

In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop helps you find the perfect car.

Best Van For Convincing People You’re Not A Creep
Ford Clear: This van’s transparent doors let the world know you’ve got nothing to hide except 25 square feet of cargo space.

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Best Funeral Procession Lead Car
2022 Cadillac Escalade: Classy enough to be respectful of the deceased while also big enough to mow down anyone who dares interrupt the procession.

Best All-Around
Kyle’s Mom’s Subaru: She listens to Zeppelin, always has gum, and doesn’t care if you wear a seatbelt. She rocks.

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Best Car To Steal From Jerry Seinfeld
Porsche Carrera GT Prototype: He’s got so many, he won’t notice.

Best Car For New Drivers
1993 Toyota Tercel From Craigslist: Look, buddy, we know it’s not the car you were hoping for, but it’s all we can afford right now.

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Best Car For Promoting Oscar Mayer Hot Dogs
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: Frankly, this car blows the competition out of the water. There’s just no vehicle better suited for promoting Oscar Mayer’s hot dogs.

Best Car For Date Nights
Mom’s 2009 Hyundai Elantra: Oh, we’re sorry, did you have a variety of Lamborghinis at your disposal?

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Best Decapitator
Ford Mustang Convertible: Your gorgeous, completely exposed head and neck deserve to ride in style.

Most Fuel-Efficient
Your Own Two Feet: That’s right, friend. Save Mother Earth.

Best Family SUV
Volvo XC40: This smaller sport utility vehicle will give you the peace of mind that your kids are safe—just not from climate change.