Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for that big spring-cleaning project.
Best General Cleaner
409 Mystery-Purpose Cleaner: Is it safe on glass? Wood? Is it a multi-surface product? Just spray it on and see if you’ve ruined your countertop.
Best Room Declutterer
A Supermassive Black Hole: For those looking to declutter, a supermassive black hole is the perfect place to throw any excess particles taking up space around your home.
Best Gentle Cleanser
Margery’s Organic Gentle Wash: If you prefer a chemical-free cleaner that won’t impact wood, dyes, germs, bacteria, or other pathogens.
Best Grout Cleaner
Your Ex’s Toothbrush: Great for spot-scrubbing grime between bathroom tiles, and it’s not like they’re ever coming back.
Best New Home
Zillow: If you ever get overwhelmed by spring cleaning, just move! There are thousands of cleaner homes on the market, and you can find the best prices with Zillow.
Best Home Organizer
The Hall Closet: Quick, just shove the rest of this stuff in there.
Best Floor Cleaner
John Deere Lawn Mower Bristle Attachment: Cut that overgrown tile down to size with this bristle sleeve that fits right over the rotating blades of your riding mower.
Best Fragrant Room Spray
A Shitload Of Febreze: Just go nuts with this stuff all over the place, and you should be good for a few weeks.
Fire: Only flames can truly purify the unclean.