Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for helping you get in shape and stay in shape.
Best Full-Body Exerciser
Phoenix Rope & Cordage Co. Commercial Fishing Net: You’ll work every muscle group at once untangling yourself from the super-strong nylon mesh.
Best Running Gear
Nike Rabid Stray Dog: Get your steps in in no time trying to escape Nike’s state-of-the-art rabid canine who won’t rest until he tastes blood.
Best Meal For Shaming Yourself Into Working Out
Arby’s Three Cheese Roast Beef Sandwich: It has just the right amount of cheese to make you hate yourself enough to exercise.
Methenolone Enanthate: Do you want to exercise, or do you want to fucking win?
Best Machine That Helps In A Way You Don’t Understand
Bowflex Max Trainer M6: This definitely works out something, that’s for sure.
Best Excuse Not To Exercise
Stomach Hurts: Something’s definitely wrong with your stomach, and it would be irresponsible to exercise before figuring out what it is.
Best Workout Gear
T-Shirt From Samantha R.’s Copacabana Bat Mitzvah In 2002: Still fits.
Best Mirror In Which To Watch Yourself Suck In Your Stomach
Latitude Run Rectangle Full-Length Mirror: The best way to imagine what you’d look like without all that extra weight.
Best Treadmill To Have A Fatal Heart Attack On
NordicTrack Flatline Pro: With its padded bars and cushioned platform, your family will know you went down easy when your heart gave out.
Money: A sufficient amount of money can make nearly anyone think you’re in shape and attractive.