Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for staying safe and having fun in the summer months.
Best Sunscreen
Banana Boat SPF 2000 Sun Armor: Boasting thick layers of chain mail, leather, and steel, this suit of armor is the perfect way to shield your child’s delicate skin from the scorching light of day.
Best Music Accessory
Sony Bluetooth-Enabled Sand: This compact speaker set provides eardrum-shaking beats emanating from every single grain of sand around you.
Best Soda Warmer
Coleman TepidTech: This electrically insulated chest is specially designed to keep beer, soda, and perishable foods at a cozy 78 degrees.
Best Mosquito Hatchery
An Old Tire: You can spend hundreds of dollars on the newest technology for holding stagnant water in your backyard, or you can stick with the classic dusty Goodrich that has hatched millions of bloodsucking pests since your grandpa pried it off his trailer in 1980 and never bothered to get rid of it.
Best Product For Keeping Cool
Uline Armpit Cold Packs: Summer usually means sweating, but this year you can shove one of Uline’s targeted cooling ice packs right in there.
Best Sports Equipment
Nike Deflated Soccer Ball: The kids will find something to do with it.
Best Product To Show What Growing Up In The Neighborhood Was Like
Racially Diverse Group Of Children Playing In An Open Fire Hydrant: This spunky crew will provide exposition for your overly sentimental backstory. Comes with four, eight, or 12 children.
Best Sun Umbrella
Beetham’s Matchless Parasol For The Sensitive Lad: Mother has always discouraged you from venturing out of the manor, but if you must, be sure to get a Beetham’s.
Best Insect Repellent
Off! 6-Week Telekinesis Training: This series of instructional videos will enable you to keep mosquitoes away using only the power of your mind.
Best Lifeguard To Be Rescued By
Dan: Out of all the lifeguards we tested, Dan is the only one who will be able to save you.