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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Pamper Your Pets

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Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.

In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for pampering the furry friends in your life.

Best Playset For Hamsters
American Ninja Warrior Set: When your hamster gets tired of plain old tubes and wheels, give it the ultimate workout with this intense miniature obstacle course that only the most physically fit rodents can conquer.

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Best Cat Scratcher
Your Wedding Dress: A cat is only truly happy when destroying something irreplaceable.

Best Unspeakable Hellbeast Containment Unit
KennelMaster 52-Inch Welded Steel K-9 Strongbox: When the cute puppy you take home from the shelter grows into a snarling red-eyed tormentor that smells of sulfur, the only safe, legal way to keep it is in this reinforced steel box with a built-in holy water reservoir.

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Best Timepiece
Patek Philippe White Gold Calatrava 6300G-008: A sophisticated dog is never without the time…or their Patek Philippe.

Best Dog Launcher
West Paw Titanium Catapult: Launch your dog into the air or the side of a building at speeds of up to 55 miles per hour with West Paw’s powerful 30-foot catapult.

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Best Cat Toy
Petco Crumpled Receipt: Spend $80 or more on thoughtfully designed toys and watch your cat happily spend hours batting around the Petco Crumpled Receipt.

Best Hamster Food
Hamster Food: There can’t possibly be more than one kind.

Best Product For Fancy Cats
Tidy Cats Litter Box Attendant: Ensure your cat goes in style with its own personal attendant standing by the litter box. The attendant makes sure the litter box is fresh and always has a clean towelette ready for your cat to wipe itself with.

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Best Safety Product For Indoor Pets
Colt Single Shot Pistol: Leaving your pet at home all day while you’re at work can be stressful. Give yourself peace of mind by arming it with the best handgun on the market.

Best Afterlife Accommodations
PetSmart Zero-Escape Live-Burial Sarcophagus: Join your dead pet inside this tightly sealed coffin to remain by its side forever.