Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these recommendations, because we couldn’t figure out how.
In this edition, The Onion’s Test Sweatshop recommends the best products for traveling with maximum comfort, style, and efficiency.
Samsonite Fixed Counterweight Trebuchet: You’ll never need to wait in a long airport line again when you can just launch yourself across the country with this high-powered hurling device.
Best Pocket Masseuse
David: David is a 4-inch-tall man who fits inside your pocket and comes crawling out to massage your achy muscles during a long flight or drive. Best of all, he’s discreet enough that you won’t need to buy him a ticket!
Best In-Flight Comfort
Stainless Steel Eye Clamps: For those concerned about accidentally falling asleep before the conclusion of their chosen in-flight entertainment, these industrial-grade eye clamps ensure you won’t have to worry about missing a single moment of Crazy Stupid Love.
Best Portable Milk
SurviveTech Travel Milk: The days of having to lug around an entire cow just to have fresh milk on vacation are over!
Best Lashing Rope
Everbilt 1/8 in. x 50 ft. Premium Nylon Paracord: No siren’s call on Earth could pry you from your ship’s mast once your crew fastens you to it with this compact solution, which fits easily into a satchel fashioned from a cyclops’ bladder.
Best Gas Station Hard-Boiled Egg
Any Gas Station Hard-Boiled Egg: For the man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.
Purell Sanitizing Crop Duster: Keep yourself healthy with this aerial aircraft solution that kills 99% of germs for hundreds of acres.
AmazonBasics Laptop Backpack: You don’t need something fancy when you’re just going to forget it on a train in Portugal.
Best Noise-Canceling Device
Bose Noise-Canceling Eardrum Spikes: With Bose’s state-of-the-art technology designed to permanently puncture your eardrums, you’ll never have to worry about noisy passengers or any other auditory stimulation ever again.