The Onion Shares Its Social Media Guidelines For Reporters

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Many of America’s lesser newsrooms have recently grappled with setting guidelines for reporters’ use of social media, wary of staffers expressing their personal beliefs and compromising their credibility in the eyes of the public. America’s Finest News Source is no different, and in the spirit of transparency, we are sharing The Onion’s social media guidelines for its reporters, whose failure to follow them to the letter is punishable by death.

  • Expressing political views is strictly prohibited unless web traffic is down for the current quarter.
  • Avoid taking sides during natural disasters.
  • Never use the word “racist” when “firebrand,” “provocateur,” or “Republican” will do.
  • Do not break news via tweet. Save any exclusive scoops for the book you have coming out in two years.
  • Writers over 25 should avoid being on social media altogether.
  • Make sure any calls for violence are optimized for SEO.
  • Reporters may only be casually racist toward a maximum of three (3) ethnicities.
  • Any reference to Dianne Feinstein’s fitness for office must be made through oblique euphemisms.
  • Just, like, spell all the words correctly. Spelling isn’t that hard.
  • Remember: The most important thing is gentle, status quo journalism that offends no one.