Any hope for the 2011 NBA season may soon disappear in a confusing morass of mutual greed, antitrust litigation, and David Stern's uselessness. Onion Sports breaks down the key points and what they mean for the fans:
- Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are now legally obligated to find something else not to be the champion of
- All jammas will be without slammas for the foreseeable future
- Despite having no obligation to do so, Knicks owner James Dolan will continue sending Eddy Curry checks out of habit
- Until the players union reassembles, children shooting hoops in their driveway are legally prohibited from pretending to be any current NBA player
- Although talks continue, both owners and players are expected to reject Kobe Bryant’s offer to be paid $2 billion to play an entire season by himself
- As All-Star Weekend is now canceled, there can be no resolution of whether the league's rookies or sophomores are better by means of a single game in which everyone is trying to make cool dunks
- That old Peja Stojakovic jersey at the Champs Sports in the mall is now 50 percent off
- The NHL will continue to go unwatched and unloved
- Despite disagreement on almost every issue, owners and players alike will continue to mutter “Shut up” whenever David Stern starts talking
- Over the next few weeks, players and ownership hope to resolve issues over money while at the same time destroying the sport of basketball forever