The Onion's Essential College Shopping Guide

It’s important to ensure that your more attractive roommate who actually has sex is doing so in a safe manner.

You’re about to blow some minds.

Cast off all earthly attachments, as they lead only to suffering.

Don’t let the feminist floozies on campus take your virginity before marriage like you’re some kind of weak-willed slut.

This multi-purpose tool can be used for research, recreation, and even as a date.

Nothing courts a school chum quicker than a sweet confectionery from the corner nickel mart.

A vehicle like the 2023 Hyundai Sonata is big enough to comfortably fit five passengers yet small enough to squeeze inside the average dorm room.

Sends an immediate sign to any potential friends that you’re going to be a whole lot to deal with.

Also can turn into popcorn when folded and placed in the microwave.

For keeping the lamp lit on those long nights when you need to stay up studying for midterms.

Better to rely on a surefire way to make friends than attempting to highlight your personality.

You’ll need her to do your laundry and cook your meals while you’re away at college.

College bathrooms can get dingy, so make sure to protect your feet, shins, knees, and thighs from those grimy showers with a good pair of shower gaiters.

Trust us, wearing a cowboy hat is the only way to be considered cool in college.

These smash up real good when you’re in a drunken rage.

Sure, having that classic still from the 1996 political thriller featuring Pacino and Cusack talking by the waterfront is kind of a dorm-room cliché at this point, but some movies really are just that cool.

If you’re ever going to become the alpha male in anime club, this is definitely how you do it. A cane could help, too.

You never know.

College is an incredible place to share and workshop ideas with other disaffected incels about how women should be owned as property.

No one wants to be the only one on campus without a strain of HPV.

Your university years are a time to discover the secret animating force at the heart of life. Its cause may be unearthly, but you must continue your work—you must!

For pleasure and self-defense.

As you embark on your college journey, you simply must have your goons around you. Every college student needs goons. Big goons. Little goons. Doesn’t matter what size, so long as they’re willing to just start wrecking shit for absolutely no reason. Goons keep all kinds of weapons on them: guns, knives, fuck it, even nunchucks or that weird shit. Some goons don’t speak English. Some never wear a shirt. Some only come out at night and fear the sun. All that matters is that they’re goons, and that they don’t give a fuck.

Howsoever else shall you copy out the Latin declensions for Professor Garnassus’ translation of the Eclogues!?

After Blingoo helped you feel confident enough to rejoin jazz band after your dad died, you knew he’d always be your best friend. Well, now you’re headed to college, and it’s time for Blingoo to teach you how to par-tay!

Because the local police department sure won’t be testing any rape kits.

These are all no-brainers.

Perfect for fooling your professor into thinking you’re reading mid-stage postmodern fiction when in reality you’re reading late-stage modernist non-fiction.

No college dorm room is complete without dream girl Audrey Hepburn’s decomposed body taped to the wall.

Everyone at college is talking about goo, and if you don’t got goo? Well sorry, buddy. You don’t got friends.

No college supplies are complete without a heavy wooden club to hit any conservative student who dares to speak in class and beat them into silence.

The Cybill, Dharma & Greg, and Two And A Half Men producer will be great to lean on when you get homesick and need a caring, attentive ear. Just pull him out from under your bed and get yakking!

If you’re a once-in-a-generation tortured genius who will revolutionize mathematics and indeed human civilization, this is a must-have for scrawling out your brilliant equations on a glass windowpane.

Many freshmen find their college workload overwhelming, so it’s good to get into the habit of blackmailing professors early in the semester.

Whether it’s your roommate or your professor, you’ll be glad you arrived with a baker’s dozen fresh slurbs of the soppiest Jerf you can find.

If she really loves you, she’ll come with you!

Most Popular College Major In Every State

Quiz: Are You Ready For College?

Onion University

Homepage