The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement

Illustration for article titled The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement

With careful planning and prudent financial decisions, many Americans could retire before 65. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of such a decision:


  • Mystery of whether you’ll die above or below the poverty line finally revealed
  • Have ample time to visit parts of the world that will be underwater by the time your peers retire
  • Mid-afternoon dentist appointments a fucking breeze to schedule
  • Get to form bonds with the loved ones you neglected for years in dogged pursuit of early retirement
  • Contemplation of own mortality no longer restricted to evening hours


  • Interest in some kind of hobby now mandatory
  • Earning potential the one thing you had to offer spouse, children
  • Your exit will skew the ideological composition of the court to the far right
  • The guys have one last job in the works, and it’s a big one
  • Life not all that great either way