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The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die

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America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die.

PRO

  • Raising children too easy without additional stakes
  • Gives bipartisan congressional leadership something to ignore together
  • Great fundraising material
  • Can convert child’s bedroom into exercise room sooner than expected
  • Less fodder for pedophiles
  • Way, way easier than trying to not let children die

CON

  • Waste of a good tax break
  • Could hurt the football program
  • Fewer family members to protect with guns
  • Might sometimes also lose a good kid
  • Probably bad for economy somehow
  • No way to watch grandchildren die someday
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