With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars:

PRO

  • Can finally spend quality time fiddling with radio knobs
  • Cities with poor public transportation given the opportunity to dump the systemic problem onto Google or whoever
  • Frees up drivers to be obscene and aggressive toward each other in all sorts of new ways
  • Massive savings on steering wheel maintenance
  • No longer necessary to put life at risk each time you want to adjust the wrapper on your cheese and bacon melt
  • History has proven that new technological advancements never have any unintended fallout
  • Don’t have to do thing you previously had to do

CON

  • Drag races only capable of ending in moderately paced ties
  • Parents miss out on cherished tradition of improperly teaching child how to parallel park
  • Not yet confirmed whether they come in blue
  • Science fiction writers forced to come up with new lazy shorthand for futuristic landscape
  • Won’t get to threaten truant police officers with six weeks of traffic duty anymore
  • Majority of Beach Boys catalog now irrelevant
  • Someone definitely going to hack these things