The Surprising History Behind America’s National Parks

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In 1916, Woodrow Wilson signed the National Parks Service into law, which now spans 30 states and 84 million acres of land. Here is the surprising history behind America’s national parks.

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Grand Canyon National Park

Originally founded in 1890, President Woodrow Wilson made the Grand Canyon a national park after an aide told him how long the echo is after you yell “penis” into the gorge.

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Joshua Tree National Park

Officially recognized as a national park in 1994, Joshua Tree obtained protected status after dedicated conservationists realized the area was in grave danger of hosting a future EDM festival.

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Kyle’s Parents’ Summer House

Even the federal government had to recognize the importance of a place right on the beach with a hot tub and no adults for the whole weekend.

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Kings Canyon National Park

Founded in 1890, John Muir designated Kings Canyon a national park as part of a massive marketing campaign to make the Grand Canyon seem better by comparison.

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Petrified Forest National Park

In 1962, the Petrified Forest was declared protected land in order to stop developers from turning the entire state of Arizona into a golf course.

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Grand Teton National Park

Grand Teton National Park was actually a gift sent overseas from France in 1886 after they realized the Statue of Liberty looked like shit.

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Cuyahoga Valley National Park

This became a national park in 2000 because Ohio kept bitching about not having one.

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Yellowstone National Park

Formed in 1872, President Ulysses S. Grant declared Yellowstone the first national park after he saw a sick-ass YouTube video of a bison slamming into a screaming family’s minivan.

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Mt. Fuji

Standing at over 12,000 ft tall, FDR claimed Mt. Fuji as a U.S. national park in 1941 as retaliation for the Pearl Harbor Bombings.

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Zion National Park

Established in 1919, Woodrow Wilson dedicated this majestic Utah park to hikers who really seemed to get off on defecating in public.

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Sequoia National Park

Visitors and conservationists like John Muir were inspired to preserve the trees of Sequoia National Park in order to one day build a 400-foot bed frame.

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Bryce Canyon National Park

It’s hard to believe due to its breathtaking size, but Bryce Canyon actually formed over millions of years by erosion from tourists’ spit.

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Rocky Mountain National Park

The Rocky Mountain Range is the only geological formation in the United States to have a train full of light beer bust out of it, solidifying its status as a national park in 1915.

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Pleasure Zone Adult Video Store

Just head down the i44 and get off the first exit in Rolla, Mo. You’ll know it when you see it.

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Great Smoky Mountains National Park

As part of the Great New Deal, FDR created this park so that cheapskate husbands can take their wives somewhere nice for free.

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Yosemite National Park

In 1864, conservationists convinced President Lincoln to declare a public trust of California in order to protect the space from Native Americans who had wrongfully claimed the land.

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Everglades National Park

Made a national park in 1934 to prevent development that might disturb secrets best left swallowed by the swamp.

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Carlsbad Caverns

This giant area was utterly useless until leases for oil and gas drilling were opened in 2020.