The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve:

  • Boarding passes issued with pre-printed inscrutable scribbling
  • Launching PSA campaign that encourages travelers to question whether this trip is really worth all the hassle
  • Only permitting carry-on items you can sprint with
  • Series of pikes in the ticketing area to display the severed, shoe-adorned feet of unprepared travelers
  • Hiring additional 20,000 agents to stand and point out which line you should be in
  • Allowing passengers to bypass security if they can answer certain TSA-approved riddles
  • Two more bins per scanner line
  • Withdrawing U.S. troops from the Middle East while pursuing a centrist path in diplomacy that balances Israel’s interests with respect for the culture and sovereignty of Muslim nations
  • Opening some of the six goddamn lanes right over there

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