The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve:
- Boarding passes issued with pre-printed inscrutable scribbling
- Launching PSA campaign that encourages travelers to question whether this trip is really worth all the hassle
- Only permitting carry-on items you can sprint with
- Series of pikes in the ticketing area to display the severed, shoe-adorned feet of unprepared travelers
- Hiring additional 20,000 agents to stand and point out which line you should be in
- Allowing passengers to bypass security if they can answer certain TSA-approved riddles
- Two more bins per scanner line
- Withdrawing U.S. troops from the Middle East while pursuing a centrist path in diplomacy that balances Israel’s interests with respect for the culture and sovereignty of Muslim nations
- Opening some of the six goddamn lanes right over there