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The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 28, 2017

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Vol 53 Issue 34

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Astronomers Caution Americans Not To Look Directly At Screaming Spirits Of The Damned During Solar Eclipse

Real Estate Insiders To Keep Close Eye On Newborn Sired By 3-Time Re/Max Sales Champion

God Pissed Solar Eclipse Not Visible From Heaven

Poll: Majority Of Americans Ready To Give Up On U.S. If Someone Else Goes First

Cow Excited To Freak The Fuck Out During Solar Eclipse

Belichick Smothers Struggling Rookie With Blocking Pad

‘There’s Nothing To It,’ Secret Service Agent Assures Mar-A-Lago Bellhop Assigned Rooftop Sniper Duty

John Kelly Hoses Layer Of Crumbs Off President Before Speech On Troop Deployment

Trump: ‘We Will Fight In Afghanistan Until Victorious, Or I Change My Mind, Get Distracted, Look Bad, Or Get Bored’

Study: 0% Of People Die From Getting Fingers Lodged In Bowling Ball And Being Dragged Down Lane

Report: Sky Normal Today

Trump Vows To Leave A Better Afghanistan For Nation’s Grandchildren To Fight In

Diehard 8-Year-Old Buffalo Bills Fan Showing Early Signs Of Masochism

Soldier Excited To Take Over Father’s Old Afghanistan Patrol Route

Right Side Of Fish Tank Where All The Action At

Kicker Pissed To See Holder Really Hitting It Off With New Long Snapper

Trump Struck By Beautiful Vision Of What America Could Be While Looking Out Over Seething, Screaming Arizona Crowd

Report: A Lot Of People’s Dream Is To Have Sex With A Ghost

45-Year-Old Man Self-Conscious, Embarrassed By New, Unexpected Changes His Body Going Through

Report: Majority Of Time In Pool Spent Urging Others To Enter Pool

New Clinton Memoir: ‘We All Made Mistakes But You Made Most Of Them’

Commercial Actor Informed He Doesn’t Have That Prego Tomato Sauce Look

Trump Pours Himself Glass Of Chocolate Syrup On Rocks To Unwind After Stressful Day

Determined Ant Requires Second Flicking

Wheezing Pablo Sandoval Uses Entirety Of ‘Stairway To Heaven’ For Walk-Up Song

‘No, No, Dear God No,’ Mumbles Powerball Presenter After Drawing Pitch-Black Ball

Department Of Transportation Allocates $400 Million For National Shortcut

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

Family Has Extremely Lax Standards For Who Gets To Be Called Aunt

Nation’s Therapists Say Majority Of Issues Could Be Resolved By Not Being So Weird All The Time

Old Friends From High School Meet Up Every Year To Say Names Of Former Classmates

‘Game Of Thrones’ Producers Reveal Series Moved Beyond Show’s Written Script Halfway Through Current Season

Poll Finds Declining Number Of Americans Believe They God

Louis Vuitton Releases New Line Of Designer Leather Freezer Bags

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

Struggling Amtrak To Discontinue Mysterious Late-Night Trains To Spirit Realm

Planet Fitness Offering New Lights-Off Hour So No One Can Watch You Work Out

Friend Not In Fantasy League Immediately Regrets Attending Draft Party

Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane

Friend Wondering If You Can Catch Him Up On What Happened In Previous 7 Seasons During ‘Game Of Thrones’ Title Sequence

‘Game Of Thrones’ Viewers Reeling After Finale Unexpectedly Kills Off Fan

‘Game Of Thrones’ Audience Disappointed By Season Finale’s Bland, Uninspired Incest

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