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Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty

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Russian Olympic Program Denies Steroids Played Role In 8-Year-Old Gymnast Hurling Balance Beam Through Wall To Escape

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The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019

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SEE MORE: Week in pictures

Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park

Yosemite Closed Indefinitely After Bear Spotted In Park

Photo: The Onion

Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son Find Job

Graphic: The Onion

Every Baby Boomer In Country Urged To Resign After Photos Emerge Of Them In Blackface

Graphic: The Onion

Kanye West Named New Face Of Yeezy

Photo: The Onion

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City Of Boston Erects New Plaque Commemorating Spot Where Ben Affleck Will Die

Graphic: The Onion

New ‘Avengers’ Fan Theory Suggests Key To Beating Thanos Could Be Nothing Because He Not Real And None Of This Exists

Screenshot: The Onion

Southern Poverty Law Center Admits They Have No Idea How Dannon Yogurt Company Got On Annual List Of Hate Groups

Graphic: The Onion

Guilt-Ridden Stacey Abrams Wondering When She Should Tell Democrats That She Lost Her Election

Photo: The Onion

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Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address

Graphic: The Onion

Kavanaugh Offers Elena Kagan Pull Of Vodka From Aquafina Bottle

Graphic: The Onion

Winded Trump Forced To Lie Down For Last Half Of Speech

Graphic: The Onion

Study Finds Sedentary Lifestyle Puts Millions Of Americans At Risk Of Becoming Beautiful Just The Way They Are

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Pope Francis: ‘Jesus—I Get Molesting Kids, But Nuns Too?’

Photo: The Onion

Disconcerted Woman Has No Memory Of Telling Dressing Room Attendant Her Name

Graphic: The Onion

Exclusive TSA Pre-Check Allows Passengers To Fly Without Waiting For Airplane

Graphic: The Onion

Pedestrian Crossing Street Makes Sure To Look At Approaching Car So Driver Will Feel More Guilty If They Run Him Over

Graphic: The Onion

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Homicide Detective Wishes He Could Go One Case Without Having To Solve Elaborate Riddle

Photo: The Onion

Nancy Pelosi Signals Support For Environmental Causes By Placing Green New Deal Directly Into Recycling Bin

Graphic: The Onion

Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This

Graphic: The Onion

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